Why be in a relationship if you ARE miserable, ACT miserably, or you’re regularly angry when you are around that person? Seriously—have you ever asked yourself “why?”
I felt compelled to write this article after I was out shopping one day and happened to observe a totally disturbing interaction between a couple as they were furniture shopping—Correction…as SHE was furniture shopping and he was busy berating her, waving his arm at her in anger and screaming at her to hurry up and get out of there. She was looking at something and seemed un-phased by his aggressive, nasty behavior. Really? Does this not affect you, I thought?
In disbelief and curiosity, I questioned; “This is okay with you? Why are you okay with this kind of treatment? This is normal to you? But why?” I really couldn’t comprehend why two people would be so ugly and hurtful toward each other and still choose to stay together.
Sadly, they are not the only couple who engage in such disrespectful and unloving choices.
I started wondering, what keeps people together who seem to be so incredibly unhappy and angry. One of the first major reasons is a subconscious one. We gravitate to what is familiar to us. That led me to think about a term I learned from one of my mentors Marty Farash long ago, “comfortably uncomfortable.”
What does it mean to be “comfortably uncomfortable?” It means you are so comfortable being uncomfortable that bad behavior just seems “normal” and acceptable.
Being raised in an environment where it was common practice to be degraded, belittled, or yelled at makes it more familiar to pick a partner who acts the same way.
When we are little, our primary caregivers write our future scripts about how we will do relationships later in life.
If you are a parent now and you are reading this, ask yourself what script you are writing for your children. If you are not happy with their future script, change it—today.
Here is the main problem
Tragically, people don’t slow down in their life to pay attention to their present experience long enough to notice, “Hey, this is not working for me. I need to do something about it.” Instead they are comfortable living in a familiar, uncomfortable, or negative way. It is what they are used to. PLEASE choose to wake up.
Questions to ask yourself to solve the problem
- What am I thinking and feeling at this exact moment?
- What do I want to be different?
- What are the 3 things I will start doing differently today?
- Who can I tell and ask to be my accountability partner for these changes? You need someone to hold your feet to the fire to keep your new behaviors going until you create a new habit.
Realize that you are responsible
We are 100% responsible for every decision we make. Every decision we make will give us a certain result. If you don’t like how you are living, make different choices. We are responsible (and capable) to live differently. Blaming others won’t get you anywhere except more frustrated and annoyed.
Choose to live consciously (AWAKE, not sleepwalking through life), and make BETTER choices today than the way you grew up. Each individual has the power and the responsibility to design their life to include and not include whatever they choose.
Don’t choose misery
I hope you will decide you are worthy enough to live an amazing, fulfilling, happy, peaceful, incredible life. We are designed with a purpose and given gifts that are meant to be used to contribute great things to this world. No one needs to stay stuck or miserable. You need to be clear and know what you want, and then you need to do whatever it takes to go get it.
Relationships are not easy, but they can (and should) be rewarding. Put the effort in, and if it’s not working, be courageous enough to move on from the dysfunction and find happiness with yourself so you can have happiness in your relationship.